tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57336912011-04-22T10:26:55.941+08:00thougths that run thru my head read aloud..aheeheeheebiancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452028532496802511noreply@blogger.comBlogger21100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5733691.post-1061991747530284502003-08-27T21:42:00.000+08:002003-08-27T21:42:27.540+08:00I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. <br /> <br />Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars, <br />and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance." <br /> <br />The night wind whirls in the sky and sings. <br /> <br />I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. <br />I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. <br /> <br />On nights like this, I held her in my arms. <br />I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky. <br /> <br />She loved me, sometimes I loved her. <br />How could I not have loved her large, still eyes? <br /> <br />I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. <br />To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her. <br /> <br />To hear the immense night, more immense without her. <br />And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass. <br /> <br />What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her. <br />The night is full of stars and she is not with me. <br /> <br />That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away. <br />My soul is lost without her. <br /> <br />As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her. <br />My heart searches for her and she is not with me. <br /> <br />The same night that whitens the same trees. <br />We, we who were, we are the same no longer. <br /> <br />I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her. <br />My voice searched the wind to touch her ear. <br /> <br />Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once <br />belonged to my kisses. <br />Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes. <br /> <br />I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her. <br />Love is so short and oblivion so long. <br /> <br />Because on nights like this I held her in my arms, <br />my soul is lost without her. <br /> <br />Although this may be the last pain she causes me, <br />and this may be the last poem I write for her. <br /> <br /> <br />I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, <br />or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. <br />I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, <br />in secret, between the shadow and the soul. <br /> <br />I love you as the plant that never blooms <br />but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; <br />thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, <br />risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. <br /> <br />I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. <br />I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; <br />so I love you because I know no other way <br /> <br />than this: where I does not exist, nor you, <br />so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, <br />so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. <br /> <br /> <br /> <br />...sigh... make the poet a woman and thaz me.. huhuhuhuhu<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5733691-106199174753028450?l=biankita.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>biancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452028532496802511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5733691.post-1061983765221903242003-08-27T19:29:00.000+08:002003-08-27T19:33:39.370+08:00for 2 weeks i have been thinking deep.. and believe me.. really deep. i guess this is how we are after an unexpected heartbreak. bein three months pregnant, with the father of my child leaving me for reasons i don't understand, i am left with gazillions of questions in my head trying so hard to answer them. i believe i've already felt all the emotions possible for a human person to feel. anger. bitterness.self-pity. hatred. doubt. rejection. i'm left with a baby on the way. just the baby and i. its as if my mother's life in her earlier days was re-enacted in mine. and it scared me. it scared me because it was the very thing i feared all thorughout my life. i couldn't understand why the man who i thought loved me more than i loved him gave up on me..again at this point in time where i need him the most. <br />its funny how i was so happy to find out that i was pregnant. why? because i knew that my man would support me and take care of me and will never leave me. even my mom wondered. little did i know that it wont turn out that way. i began to regret. blame myself. blame my child. blame everyone. blame god. <br />i cried a million tears but i knew i had to stop because it would hurt my child. i had to be strong even if i felt weak. <br />i couldn't understand why i couldn't be strong. my love for him has weakened me, my personality. my strength all went to him.and nothing was left for me. i pitied myself so much! knowing that no one else could help me. not even my mom..not even my friends. <br />i knew i made mistakes. i don't deny it but was that reason enough to leave me? and just give up on me? ..i dont think so. <br />i had no one else to run to but God. i knew somehow he had the answers. i knew somehow he has reaosns for this to happen. i just couldn't understand why. <br />i began praying to him in silence. i knew i couldnt speak to him out loud because i would start crying again. i cried to him in my head. i let it all out. but that wasn't enough! i had to read my bible so i could get answers. <br />i did realzie things. God, as early as now is shaking the things in my life that are shake-able so that i could be stronger when my child is here on earth. i beleive that's wat he's doin to the father of my child as well. although, i couldn't help but think... would it really benefit the both of us?or just me? will it do my ex any good? <br />i cant help but think of bad things my ex could have done. maybe he fell foe sum1 else. maybe he got sick of me. maybe he couldnt take the responsibility of bein a father. maybe he dint wanna stres himself even more. maybe he wanted to be free. all these maybes... hurting me even more. but i choose not to think of em from time to time and just pray of blessings to him. <br />i have no right to control him. it's his life. not mine. we're not married. maybe in god's perfect time everything will be ok. with that i hope for the best. and sumtyms i hope fo rthe worst. <br />whatever will come in the future.. i know it's for the best of my child and i. i wouldnt settle for anything else. if he's not the one then too bad. there's probably sum1 out there much better. if he's the one, all the more better. i just need to be patient. <br />i mean, yeah from time to time i'll rant about it but..hopefully i'll get over it. <br />i'm not perfect. he;s not perfect. so wat can we expect..ryt? let god deal with the both of us. <br />(yes, its easy for me to say it but its not quite easy to accept it and live it but i am trying..trust me!) <br />i just needed to let these thoughts out because its making me go crazy. <br />indeed, my ex and i have a lot to talk about..but i guess in god's time.we both have too much baggage. <br />no matte rhow much i'd be happy to be in his arms now.. i know its not the best because there are still issues to talk about and i know it won't be easy for the both of us to accept it. <br /> maybe the worst that could happen to me is find out that he has fallen for someone else. but i'm praying that it won't happen. <br />so wt do u et out of this journal? <br />i don't know. u tell me. <br /><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5733691-106198376522190324?l=biankita.blogspot.com' alt='' /></div>biancahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03452028532496802511noreply@blogger.com